No Longer
by catatran33
Summary: With her mother's case solved and her emotional wounds healed, Kate realizes that there are no more excuses to make. The wait is over. It's time. Sequel to "If Only".


**A/N: So, this takes place two years after my story, **_**If Only**_** (In Castle time, probably around season 6 or 7). Get it "if only... no longer"... no? Oh well haha.**

** Although I would love for you to read _If Only_ first, this story can ****stand alone**** as it is (except for one minor fact: Rick professed his love before the shooting and they never had that "I love you" conflict). And, I have to give a shout out to Sammy, since she helped me edit this! So, please enjoy! :)**

…

_I've pinned a lot of demons to the ground_

_I've got a few old habits left_

_There's one or two I might need you to help me get_

_Standin' in the rain so long has left me with a little rust_

_But put some faith in me_

_And someday you'll see _

_There's a diamond under all this dust_

_I ain't no angel_

_I still got a still few more dances with the devil_

_I'm cleanin' up my act, little by little_

_I'm getting there_

_I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see_

_I ain't as good as I'm gonna get_

_But I'm better than I used to be_

_~ Better Than I Used To Be by Tim McGraw_

…

Looking out at the leaf covered landscape, she wonders if there really is a place beyond the grave. A place where grief and sadness don't exist, and happiness is the only feeling left in the world.

As she walks down the path to her special place—_their_ special place—her footsteps echo across the lonely fields, filled with centuries of lost stories of loved ones long forgotten.

As autumn had set in, the bright, warm foliage had made the often dreary atmosphere of this place beautiful, easing the ache of visiting—if only slightly. At one point in time, it would have been a sad reminder that it was yet another year of what might have been. But now? It's enough.

There are many memories here, most of which she would rather forget. But in the darkness, there is light. Of all the tragic, terrible memories that this place conjures up, there is one that stands out against the dark pieces of her past. A memory that had eventually saved her from falling in too deep, reminded her that there was hope and love in her world of despair.

Deviating from the asphalt and the path she ordinarily takes, she wanders into a grassy field. She hasn't been in this part of the cemetery since her life was turned upside down. Since the sharp pain of a bullet nearly took her life away. But now, she believes it's time to face what she lost nearly two years prior.

Walking past several graves marked with the American flag, she remembers him for who he was—the kind of man, husband, captain, and close friend he had been. He had been like a second father who had watched her spiral down the abyss of obsession, and had pulled her out before she had lost her sense of being. He was a hero that had sought out redemption by sacrificing himself for the greater good. _For her._

She reads the engraved names of the fallen heroes until she reaches a white granite marker she recognizes. As the white stone reflects in the sunlight, she traces the name with her eyes: _Captain Roy Montgomery._

"Hey, Roy," she says softly, despite being alone as far as the eye could see. "I'm sorry I haven't visited until now. I guess I just wanted to believe that one day you would just walk back into our lives…like it was all a dream." She shifts her weight from one foot to the other until she moves to sit down in front of his gravestone. "But, I'm here now. That's all that matters."

She sits there talking to the white block of stone, relaying stories of cases, antics in the precinct, and how his family is doing in his absence. At one point she looks down at her father's watch and realizes that she has been sitting there for over an hour. As she stands, she makes a promise to him to come back in the spring.

Returning to the path she had abandoned just over an hour ago, her feet lead her to the grave she had intended to see. However, when she approaches her mother's grave, she notices something sitting on top of the headstone. As she comes closer, she realizes that it's a crème colored envelope. With the light rain the previous night, she knows that it couldn't have been there long. Curious, she carefully takes it and flips it over in the palm of her hand. Scrawled across the front in familiar handwriting is her mother's name. She lets her fingers trace it gently before she opens the letter inside:

_Dear Johanna,_

_I want you to know that your daughter is the most extraordinary woman I have ever met. You would be proud of who she has become and what she has done. Sometimes, I wonder if she knows how much I admire her. She's so strong, so beautiful. I don't think she realizes how stunning she really is._

_The day she walked into my life, my whole world changed. And, I fell. I fell in love with your daughter, Johanna. When, you may ask? I honestly wouldn't be able to tell you. But, it's the greatest feeling in the world, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I only hope she feels the same._

_So, I write this to seek your guidance. Not for me, but for her. Give her the strength to tear down the last wall that separates her from being happy. From loving unconditionally._

_Until that day comes, I'll be waiting... as I always have._

_Sincerely,_

_Rick_

She stands there, unable to move, reading the contents of the letter over and over again as tears begin to flow down her cheeks. It's been over two years since the night he had told her he loved her. Two years since he had repeated his declaration of love at Montgomery's funeral, at her shooting. He's been waiting for her, has been all this time. Been by her side every step of the way, tearing down her walls one by one. There were no more excuses left to make. After two years, there wasn't anything left standing in her way. So why was she still waiting?

After a moment, she drops to her knees in front of her mother's grave.

"I'm scared, Mom," she confesses, staring at the grassy ground in front of her. She fiddles with the letter, before continuing, "I'm scared that if I let him in... that if I let myself love him, I'll lose him like I lost you." She reaches out and caresses the cold granite gently. "I'm scared that one day he'll get hurt and... I don't think that I would able to survive it." She sighs heavily, letting the tears run freely. She's done hiding. "I love him, Mom. I love him so much. Without him… I don't know what I'd do. I haven't even told him how much he means to me, and yet, he's been _waiting_. For _me_, for a _chance_. He doesn't even know," her voice cracks as the tears roll down her cheeks, her hands attempting to wipe them away. "What should I do, Mom? Tell me what to do…" she softly whispers to no one.

As she kneels there, a quiet wind begins to blow over the cemetery, rustling trees in its path, until it finally wraps its wispy arms around the detective in a loving embrace.

...

Later that night, she finds herself at the precinct looking over a case file she has long since memorized from cover to cover. It's closed, has been for a little over two months now, but she still finds herself flipping through the pages of old notes and photographs she has long since ingrained into her memory.

Engrossed in her little world, she doesn't hear the hard, sure footfalls of one charming mystery writer. _Her writer._

"Hey," he greets softly. Most of the precinct had cleared out earlier in the night, leaving them virtually alone.

She looks away from the open file on her desk. Realizing who it is, a smile escapes the confines of her protected heart, lighting up her already glittering features. "Hey," she replies in return. "I thought you went home."

"Yeah, I did." She raises a curious eyebrow, silently asking him to continue. "Then, I realized that we need to celebrate."

Her smile grows at his ridiculous answer. "Celebrate _what_ exactly?"

"Well," he says, shrugging a shoulder offhandedly. "We haven't celebrated the twentieth time I saved your butt yet."

She watches as his eyes sparkle at the recollection. During the operation to apprehend her mother's killer, he had pushed her out of the way of gunfire and had taken a bullet in the vest. The impact of the bullet and the force of hitting the ground had caused him to pass out for a few minutes. Of course, he had thought it was the coolest thing when he had came to, acting all macho despite having the wind knocked out of him, a nasty bruise from the bullet, and several scratches from landing on the concrete. But, once he had caught sight of the glassy quality in her eyes, he had stopped and laced his hand with hers as she propped him up against her. She had let go of his hand, and caressed his cheek gently.

"Thank you," she had whispered.

He had smiled, his eyes twinkling despite the exhaustion his body felt. "Always."

"We haven't, have we?" she answers, her voice laced lightly with realization, bringing him back to the present.

He nods, a smile lifting the corner of his mouth. "I was wondering if you'd like to celebrate with me over dinner and wine."

"This late? I'm not even near presentable, Castle."

"You look beautiful," he quickly replies before he can stop himself. Caught off guard, she feels the heat pooling in her cheeks. Bashfully, he continues, "Uhm, I was actually hoping you'd agree to have dinner at the loft. Alexis and Mother are away for the weekend at a spa retreat, and I could use the company. What do you say?"

_He looks nervous_, she thinks as she lowers her eyes to her desk, worrying her bottom lip. She'll never admit it to him, but she loves the fact that he isn't always confident around her. It's a small part of him often hidden behind his professional persona, and knowing that she is one of the rare few to see it, is refreshing and endearing.

"Okay," she agrees softly, as she watches his eyes widen slightly.

"Uhm-uh," he stammers, dumbfounded. "Well, that was easier than I thought."

"Oh?" she replies with a saucy smile as she closes the file and tucks it away into a desk drawer.

"Well, yeah." He shrugs. "Most of the time it's like pulling teeth getting you to agree to anything."

"Considering I haven't eaten anything since breakfast, your offer just made me realize how hungry I am." She pauses, before adding, "And the company isn't that bad either." She gets the desired sparkle in his eyes that she is looking for as she stands from her desk to dawn her jacket.

Castle offers his arm, and she gladly takes it as they walk to the elevator.

"Hope you like pizza," he says seriously.

She playfully smacks his arm before she leans against him, her head resting gently on his shoulder.

...

"Urgh, I'm stuffed," he says as he sags into his armchair. He rubs his stomach for added emphasis.

"I told you not to eat that fifth slice, Castle," she laughs, taking a seat on the sofa, propping herself against the arm closest to him.

"But it was so _good_," he says, his full tummy satisfied. "Don't deny it!"

To be honest, it was one of the best homemade pizzas she had ever had. If he could cook like that, she would have him cook her everything!

"I'm not going to stroke your ego, Castle," she says, casting a pointed stare at him. He simply sits there, not a sound, with his deep blue eyes and a hint of a smile. "Fine! It was the best I've ever had."

"That's what she said," he jokes. She reaches over and slaps his thigh. "Ow! Apples, woman!"

Rolling her eyes, she settles back into her seat, letting the cozy feel of the sofa surround her once again.

They let the silence engulf them as they let their thoughts wander, a common practice for them these days. Since they had solved her mother's case, they had spent more of their days together in private moments similar to this one.

They're getting closer to the end of their long six-year journey, but Rick knows it isn't his place to push. It's her decision; it has been since the beginning.

"I went to visit Montgomery today," she says, circumventing the real subject she wanted to discuss.

"That's good," he replies, letting a sad smile drift over his features, remembering their former captain, his dear friend. "I miss him. He'd probably be ecstatic that we finally put that son of a bitch behind bars."

She grins, a slight chuckle escaping her lips.

At the adorable sound, he smiles.

In the months leading up to catching her mother's killer, her laughter had been scarce. Everyone in the precinct had felt the change, the seriousness of the situation at hand. It wasn't until a month after they had closed the case did he finally hear her laugh again. She would never know how much he missed it.

The silence that settles again around them is now heavy with anticipation. The elephant in the room weighs down on Kate's shoulders until she breaks the quiet.

"I saw my mom," she whispers, so softly that he would have missed it if he hadn't been watching her so closely. Her emerald gaze meets his sapphire one, noticing that it widens slightly at her admission.

He won't hide. He won't pretend. But, somewhere inside his heart, the barriers that have long been shattered to pieces erect once more for one last stand. After all, it is how they have always played this game. Why would it be any different now?

"That's good," he says softly, his elbows coming to rest on his knees as he props his chin on his clasped hands.

Her gaze doesn't waver. Neither does his.

"I saw your letter," she whispers again after a moment, her eyes still studying him. "Thank you."

He shrugs nonchalantly, averting his gaze as he unclasps his hands. "I just thought I owed her at least that much." She worries her lip, nodding. "If I overstepped, I'm—"

"It's okay," she cuts him off quietly, smiling a little to reassure him. She pauses, thinking about her next words, before she admits, "I know it wasn't my place, Castle, but I read it, too."

He glances up at her, unsure of what to make of the knowledge that she knows. It can go either way. It's up to her.

"You did, did you?" he rhetorically asks, his voice quietly reverberating in the loft, watching for her response. She just nods, her eyes unwavering. He blinks, and then casts his gaze downward, suddenly finding his hands fascinating. "I do, you know," he utters softly, before raising his head, his eyes piercing into hers, "love you. That won't change."

In that moment, she nearly cries. His loving gaze tells her everything she needs to know; most, if not all, of her fears immediately fly out the window. It takes everything in her to refrain from closing the distance between them to show him how much he means to her. How much she needs him, loves him. But, she sits there quietly, letting the tears well up as old insecurities rise up from the depths of her broken past; it's a final effort to protect herself, the last wall wavering, crumbling.

He watches her, unsure of what to do as tears begin to roll down her cheeks. He wants to hold her, comfort her. But the ball is in _her _court.

She sniffles softly, wiping away the unwanted tears. Her shining eyes meet his once again. "You're still waiting?" she questions in a hushed tone. His only response is a slight nod, his piercing blue eyes searching her emerald ones. "Castle…Rick, y-you can't. You c—I can't ask you to wait for me. You deserve—"

As the words spill out of her, he decides to hell with it. He moves to sit on the coffee table in front of her, a mirrored action she had done two years prior. She looks so broken, so torn.

Her words keep coming until she feels soft, gentle hands caressing her cheeks, nimble fingers wiping away her salty tears. Worrying her bottom lip, she looks into his eyes and wonders why she ever doubted him. Why she always seemed to push him away and let her fears dictate her life.

"I love you, Kate," he murmurs against her forehead, brushing tender kisses to her skin as he cradles her face. He pulls back just enough to meet her watery gaze. "I would wait a _lifetime_ for you," he whispers with a gentle smile as he tucks a chestnut curl behind her ear. Her hands find their way onto his arms, clinging to the baby blue dress shirt whose cuffs were bunched up at the elbows.

She shakes her head as much as his hands will allow. "What if that wall never comes down? What if I'm never ready?" Her eyes plead with him before closing against the emotional outpouring of her fears.

He feels his own eyes well up at the prospect that he might never be able to truly love her wholeheartedly; maybe she will never be ready for a relationship with him. After all this time—

NO.

He won't let it happen. Not like this. Not when they are so close.

"Kate." She doesn't look up. "Kate," he repeats huskily, his voice choking back with pent-up need, want, and love. She shakes her head again, her lip caught between her teeth, biting back the flood of tears. "Katie, look at me," he repeats again as he sweeps several fingers under her chin, gently raising her eyes to his. "Wherever you are, however long it takes, I'll be _right_ beside you, taking that wall down, brick by brick," he whispers, his thumb lightly tracing her bottom lip. "Until one day, y-you find yourself running into my arms with no worries in the world. Th-the day I can finally kiss you the way I've always wanted to. Th-the day I can finally call you _mine_." His lip quivers slightly, his blue eyes now full of unshed tears. "I would wait forever for that chance. Do you understand?"

She raises her hand to his cheek, wiping away a stray tear he hadn't noticed had fallen. Before she can pull away, he softly entwines his fingers with hers, bringing them to his lips. "You're worth waiting for, Kate," he sighs, leaning in so that his forehead rests against hers. "Even if you're never ready."

Suddenly, Kate shifts, and he finds himself engulfed in a massive hug by the love of his life, her arms wrapped around his neck and her warm body pressed against his. After a moment, he immediately returns it, pulling her into his lap as his strong arms wrap themselves around her waist and across her back. Letting his fingers of one hand bury into her dark brown tresses and the other gently caress her back, he soothes her as she cries softly against his shoulder, her grip tightening reflexively as she does. This time, he shifts, moving to sit on the sofa she had just vacated.

For several minutes, they stay there, seeking and giving the comfort the other needs. Before long, he feels Kate pull away as she uselessly wipes at the tear stains she created on his shirt. With their arms still wrapped around each other, she smiles shyly, her eyes unable to meet his gaze.

"I'm sorry," she utters softly, sniffling and chuckling lightly at the same time. Despite the circumstances, he feels a smile creep onto his lips, too.

"It's okay. No harm done," he whispers, gently stroking her hair.

A quiet settles around them as she plays with the top button of his shirt, unaware that the man beneath her is watching her very carefully.

"Rick?"

"Hmm?," he replies, trailing his fingers on the back of the hand that is fiddling with his shirt, abusing this newfound comfort in their relationship before it can be taken away from him.

She pushes her hand against his chest, pulling away to look him in the eye. He waits for her to speak, but nothing comes. She just stares at him with her lovely green eyes, searching for something unknown. He watches as her eyes flick down quickly to his lips and then back up; her eyes are clearer, darker. His own widen slightly, and his heart begins to beat harder against his chest.

As her fingers thread through the hair at the nape of his neck, her other hand caresses his cheek. She smiles fleetingly before closing the distance, brushing her lips softly against his. It sends sparks resonating down their spines. Pulling back enough to see him, she feels him sigh heavily against her. She watches as his eyes open. So blue, so loving.

"Kate," he says huskily, his voice unsure, his eyes pleading. _Is this really happening?_

Smiling softly, she reassures him by leaning in to kiss him again. He stills, but quickly wraps his arms around her further, his hands exploring, caressing her lithe body as he presses her closer. It is slow and sweet, loving and tender. She melts into him, sighing as he teases her bottom lip gently with his teeth. Their tongues play languidly; their teeth nip each other periodically, smiling between kisses when they catch each other off guard. They let the fire simmer beneath the surface of their kiss, unwilling to let it all end so quickly. What's the rush when there was a lifetime of extraordinary kisses to come?

"Thank you, Rick," she whispers against his lips.

"For what?" he asks breathlessly, his eyes mirroring his boyish grin.

"For waiting so long," she replies, her fingers gently grazing the stubble growing along his jaw. "For me."

"Always," he mumbles, as he leans back in to give her a searing kiss. "Always, Kate."

He pouts as she pulls away slightly, watching as she catches her bottom lip between her teeth. She looks at him with unrestrained love and affection, melting his heart in the best way possible. _If time stopped right now, I would be a happy man_, he thinks as he tucks a lock of hair behind her ear. Snuggling closer to him (as if that were physically possible), she whispers happily, "I love you."

His smile falters at her declaration, his eyes filling with a sense of awe. But just as quickly as it had faded, his smile is back in full force as he tackles her playfully, kissing her on the way down. They end up lying horizontally across the sofa with Kate squealing in delight as his lips brush kisses along whatever skin he can find. She valiantly tries to pry herself away from him, but his strong arms won't budge. Although she could have easily gotten out of his hold, she decides she really didn't want to. Not after finally getting to this place.

_Here._

_With him. _

Neither could ask for more.

And as his sweet touches slow, they sigh blissfully with goofy grins across their faces. And because he can't get enough, he leans in again for another taste, receiving a sweet moan of pleasure from Kate. Oh yes, he is definitely going to abuse his privileges until she forcibly takes them away from him. But it won't be for long if her reciprocation to his kisses were any indication, he thinks mischievously. This time, he pulls back and Kate's murmur of protest warms his heart. But he doesn't go far, nuzzling his nose against hers as he rolls them over so that her back is pressed up against the back of the sofa. He raises his hand to her face and softly trails his finger down her cheek, mesmerized.

"I love you," he whispers in the small space between them, his deep blue eyes never leaving hers.

Happy tears begin to well up again as she smiles and leans in to kiss his jaw, tucking her head into the crook of his neck and shoulder. "And I love you, Rick."

And just like that, they fall asleep in the empty loft, shutting out the rest of the world and the obstacles that were going to surely follow. But those can wait, for their six-year journey for love finally ended tonight, with a promise of a new story to begin tomorrow morning. This time, _together_.

…

_Beautiful, I should have told you from _

_The first time I saw your eyes. _

_Beautiful, I should have told you all along._

_~ Ashes by Andy Brown_

…

**Well, that's it for the sequel! There probably won't be any more past this story. And the songs here of just the few that I listened to writing this. I have many more if you really want to know them, haha. Anyway, let me know your thoughts :) Merry Christmas! **

**~ Christina**


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